deja vu

I sit here at my computer on a early Saturday morning at 6am (which I'm never up at 6am) because I can't sleep. I didn't sleep good last night, was a up with a tummy ache for a good while and my knotted up tummy woke me up this morning too. Today, oh I've been kind of dreading today....today is the day that my dad died one year ago. I've been replaying every detail in my mind, it's funny how your brain does that, a coping mechanism I suppose. One year ago I got the phone call of my life. One year ago I lost my best friend. One year ago I discovered a hole in my heart. One year ago my life changed forever. I can't really describe exactly how I feel. Longing, sadness...when I think of my dad, I feel like this life is going to take forever to get through. Thankfully, I don't feel like that all of the time....but I still have moments when I think about him and it's hard to catch my breath. What can I say, he takes my breath away:)

One of my favorite things about my dad was he was repeater of words...and phrases. He had his sayings that he would say over and over again until they were ingrained in your head forever. A lot of the time, it just got annoying, but I understand now why he was like that. The more you hear something over and over again, the more it stays in your mind. Here's a few of his sayings I remember from growing up (WARNING: Some of them are not the nicest, but I never remember them as mean phrases...he usually was joking or laughing when he said some of them) "Life's a bummer, then you die!" "It's not a matter of who's right, it's a matter of what's right." "Manage your weaknesses and soar with your strengths." "Bye bye fat head!"...and that scripture in the D&C about reproving in times of sharpness, but afterwards showing an increase in love....He loved and lived that scripture. He loved church history, and black and white movies. He had a knack for remembering specific dates, and scripture references. He had a profound respect for the leaders of the church, and the prophets. He adored my mom and would always tell me so. He was a major tease. When he really got going with his antics, his laugh would get high pitched and you couldn't help but laugh with him, even if he was being naughty. He loved serving in his callings at church. He was an amazing teacher and LOVED public speaking. Years ago he was the voice of "Mr. Waffle" on a radio show. He never judged people. After his morning shower, he would always finish getting dressed in the living room, in front of the tv. He LOVED butter and red meat. He had horrible teeth. He had gorgeous silver hair that I would LOVE to run my fingers through and I even did when I saw him after he died...as weird as that sounds...I had to do that just one last time. He gave the greatest father's blessings. He loved walking on the beach.

I could go on all day, but I thought it would be nice if at least every year on May 7th, I wrote about my dad. And if I could say one more thing, if you haven't lost a parent...even if you aren't close to them...appreciate them, love them, and tell them so.

I love you dad. You made me feel so beautiful and loved. Because of the way you treated me, I believed in myself and saw my potential. You are my best friend and always will be. Love, me
 





I can't help but post pictures of my dad and Tessa.  He adored her and felt so connected to her...and honestly, most of the pics I have of my dad are with Tessa!  I love these pics because these were memorable occasions.  He loved gardening and was showing Tessa one day at my parents house in Bountiful...we went to the zoo- the three of us one day when I was prego with Hudson, and we went swimming one day at my grandparents pool. I think that's the only time Tessa and my dad went swimming together.