i never thought

its been 14 days and i'm still breathing, but my heart feels heavy, like there is something physically sitting on it.  when i was a kid, i called my dad diddy.  from day one we were buddies.  i grew up loving him and spending oodles of time with him.  we connected.  we understood each other. through the years he has helped me through some pretty difficult times and i could always count on him to buoy me up and rely on his wisdom to help me through it.  his spirit understood mine.  we thought alike.  i'm pretty certain that you can't have a better more complete daddy/daughter relationship than i had with my dad.  so lucky. we love the same things--in particular the ocean, we are both dreamers, we are both emotional, we both love people and especially babies.  he adored my kids, especially tessa, or as he called her, bitty.  he always told me that he had a special connection with her, and i brushed it off with a whatever dad, of course you do, she's your grand baby.  but he knew, his spirit knew that he would only have a short time on this earth with her and so he soaked it up as much as he could and he did!

i never thought i would have to go through something like this at such a young age, but the Lord has a plan for each of us and i'm confident that he is mindful of me and my family during this most difficult time in our lives.  on may 6th my dad went in for a pretty basic surgery on his neck.  the surgery went beautifully and tessa and i talked to him afterwards and he sounded great.  he joked around with the nurses that night and was up walking around.  then early the next morning on may 7th, my dad's neck swelled up and he stopped breathing and then his heart stopped.  the doctors tried to revive him for 40 mins, but nothing could be done.  just like that, in an instant, my dad was gone.  even now, as i write this, my tummy is in knots...i don't think i'll ever get used to the idea.

i was supposed to be at a park with tessa and hudson at 10am that day, but arrived 15mins early because i wanted to fit in an extra errand, but couldn't and decided to let tessa play a bit longer....the Lord knew.  i pulled up to the empty park and saw that my mom had called.  i got the kids out of the car and let tessa loose to play on the playground.  it was such a beautiful day, the sun was shinning so bright. i was in a great mood because i had a busy day planned and the day before, i have almost completely cleaned the house!  life was in order and i was happy and content.

i called my mom back after we got situated.  she asked me if i was with the kids or at Lara's or if i was alone.  my mind quickly wondered why she was asking me these weird questions.  she then said the worst words i could ever hear. "i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but dad died."  i went into a state of shot and almost started hyperventilating.  after later talking to my mom about our conversation, she said she couldn't even understand what i was saying.  i remember my first reaction and saying to my mom, "you're lying, you're lying".  it's funny what the mind does to you.  of course she wouldn't lie about something like that, but i'm sure it was my mind not wanting to except reality. 

i quickly loaded the kids in the car and called jay.  immediately after i told jay the news, he didn't even hesitate.  he left work right away and called his dad to come to our house so that i wouldn't be alone.  that whole day was a blur.  it felt like an out of body experience.  i walked around the house in a complete daze while we packed and prepared for our flights that evening to be with my mom.  thankfully em and terrill got the same flight with us, so we were all together.

i'm so thankful that i was got to talk to my dad about an hour after his surgery and that tessa got to as well.  i remember hearing the relief in my dad's voice that it went well and that he came out of the anesthesia so well too.  my dad has had multiple surgeries in his life, but it had been quite a few years since his last one, so he was nervous.  i remember asking him questions about him surgery and how he was feeling and he sounded great.  i remember telling him i love him and tessa told him that she loved him too. and the evening before the surgery, jay told him that he loved him too.

looking back, i know that the Lord was preparing each one of us for this event.  the sunday before, jay suggested that we fast for my dad the day of his surgery and we prayed all day that it would go well.  i recall a conversation that my dad and i have maybe too months ago about him passing away.  i brought up something along that subject to him and i told him that i don't know what i would do without him in my life and that i couldn't even think about it because it was such a horrible thought.  he laughed and said that i would be fine and i reassured him that i wouldn't and then ended that subject because i couldn't bare the thought of living my life without him.  now that the Lord's will has proven otherwise, i am forced to cope with the reality that is mine.  you really can't understand the emotions and trauma that you physically and mentally go through when someone close to you dies until you experience it first hand.  i've heard the grieving process is harder for those that were closer to the one that has passed.  i believe this to be true.  my dad and i were extremely close.  i will always cherish and love the man he was the exemplar of Christ his showed.  dad, until we meet again...i love you.